*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
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uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
You deplete me
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.