thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
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Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.