Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The three genders
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never