4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715