Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I’ve been drinking.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”