Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
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*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo