The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry