My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Happy Taco Tuesday
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Morning my dudes.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change