“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business