Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that