Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
You Might Also Like
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
what the hell pray for carter everyone
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs