[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: