{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)