same bro
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”