This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.