The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.