Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
That time Alicia messaged me
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
*seductively corrects your posture*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before