Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!