Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
At least try to make it slightly believable
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!