People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂