My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
marvel comics have peaked
mentally somewhere in italy
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission