Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
#parenting