taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
You Might Also Like
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?