I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.