WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read