my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.