Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.