I’M CRYINGGG
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Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
that’s really how it is
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend