I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.