[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)