[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
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Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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1) I don’t have a car
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“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
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Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”