I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point