Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
bad
worse
worst
worchester
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.