I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I’m Sold!
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time