Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020