Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac