Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You Might Also Like
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.