I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
why no one uses midhusbands
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store