Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
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COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
dam girl
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.