[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Do one person every day that scares you.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Every damn time
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Chicago sounds lovely.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.