*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
You Might Also Like
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?