Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.