I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
You Might Also Like
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME