My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?