Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy