Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
My teenage children choosing violence
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.