Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.