Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.