“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Spider-cat: No One Home
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.