I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Pretty much. 🤣
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism